Letters To My BFF - Part 9 - We Used To Laugh

She lived a wild and free life. Full of adventure, full of fun. Yet behind closed doors, she hid her fears. Only I bore witness to these fears. I saw each moment of her highs, and every moment of her lows. These days I look back. I try to picture how things were. 

You were fearless and full of heart. You loved the world, you found greatness in everything around you. You saw the good in everyone you encountered. I remember days when you sat alone with me and cried in my arms. You cried over loved ones, you cried over our friendship. 

You needed me, I needed you. We depended on each other for so much in the past. I remember holding your hands and looking into your eyes as you shared your fears. I remember saying that everything will be okay. We hugged, we cuddled, we had each others back. 

I remember our fights. I allowed you to vent out your anger towards me. Even though it wasn't directed at me. You had your bad days and bad nights that were just part of you. 

I don't miss that part of you. But what I miss the most is that we could speak everyday just about everything. I guess we don't need each other as much anymore. 

But as your loyal friend, I'll always be by your side. Even if you need to talk as before. 

From this day forth, I guess I need to learn to depend on me, and you need to depend on you. 

Our Friendship was priceless. I remain hopeful that one day when you have your life back again. That once you have found yourself and found your heart, that we can sit down and talk without your fears pushing us apart. 

Forever yours in spirit.

Fred

Letters to my BFF Part 8 - A Few Years On

It is 18th November 2015... I'm looking back at the year 2011... Remembering my separation and thinking... I wasn't only losing my wife, I was losing my friend. - Someone I'd spent 10 years with. Someone who knew everything about me... Or so I thought. She would later turn out to be my friend despite our differences. Years on, I've missed my two kids birthdays year in and year out.

I'd only get to see them during Christmas and this alone wasn't enough for me. Yet, I would always remember our time. It started on the 27th December 2011. Our friendship took the turn of a different kind. The last thing I expected. But I let my guard down. I gave in and I let you in. I gave that part of myself to you that I thought I'd never give to anyone ever, not ever again since my first serious girlfriend. Not even my Sam got this... She was lucky to have a part of my heart, yet you had all of me, my soul, my entire being. I still feel shards of it still missing when I think of you...

As far as us is concerned. We had an amazing friendship. I thought I was losing my best friend when my wife had left. But You proved to be my best friend. I realize looking back now, I started started to behave like an insecure jealous and overprotective boyfriend at times, yet you were only a friend and I should have stepped back. 

Many times I wished when looking back over the years now. I see how much I valued your friendship. Yet I took your trust and faith in me for granted. I thought I was allowed to do anything and you would see my reasons for what I did. I'm sorry. I realize now that I should have given you your freedom. You have every right to be mad at me. Yet I felt strongly about our friendship that I did everything then, to keep us together... From faltering because of other people's jealousy of our strong bond. 

I over-analyzed everything about everything you did, I took everything too seriously sometimes. It lead me to make some very stupid decisions, and today my dearest Charity. I feel completely hopeless. Lost, and in realizing this, I realize that you have your life to live. You have your decisions to make, and I can not, and will not get in the way... I miss my best friend, and the saddest thing isn't that we don't speak anymore, it's that we used to speak everyday. 

I guess I never gave you enough space to be able to live in your capacity and I guess you were right. I was controlling at some point. It was never my intention, except to save our friendship. 

Today after everything we went through together, separately, and learning to live our lives away from each other without each other, I have truly done everything in my capacity as a loyal friend to fix this. 

I guess I played a part in destroying your trust and faith in me, (I blame my compulsive ability to over-analyze things and panic). (I live with this guilt) I guess you had your reasons to push me away. Sometimes letting me back in to get answers which I am happy to give, sometimes sad to be unable to explain. 

I remember as though it was just yesterday how I made my solemn promise to always be there for you, How when I came back from Johannesburg, you begged me never to leave you behind again. How I then made a new promise again never to leave you. How my heart continues to stay rooted with you. However obsessive this may sound to you or the world. It was out of true love that I stayed, out of real honor towards you that I stayed faithful to you. 

Loving someone is knowing when to let go. Loving someone is fighting until u know you have done everything you could and still lost. Loving someone means knowing the difference.

I never wanted to be the reason to make you feel sad, depressed or unhappy around me. It hurts me. I just want you to be happy. So in this letter. should it reach you by sure faith alone. I pray to God it does. That you will find it in your heart one day to understand why I tried so hard and fought so hard to keep us together. If it makes you happy for us to part, then so be it. I will always have a special place in my heart for you. 

You were right when you said. "A friendship should benefit each other." I believe it should. So does communication, Being able to communicate your needs in a way so that both parties understand what you need so that one can understand and try to allow the other benefit by giving the other person what they need. I wish I had a chance to be more sympathetic towards your needs. Maybe one day our Friendship will know no boundaries. 

Remembering Your Pet! - Letter 7 - Memories are Precious

Side note:

Ahhhh! That's it... it wasn't Gadoof! lol. You named him Gadoi! (I'm not sure if this is how you had spelled his name.)

I remember now... I was just reading the letter before this and suddenly like a light in my head, I remembered, that "Gadoof" was a result to some of my funny side or silly side"

You used to fistpalm me this way onto my forehead..

Well. The letter is short, I know. But I'm remembering small things at the moment. It's tough lately.
I have lots on my mind. No idea why I'm so scatter brained yet...

Guess we will never know.. till later.
Your friend forever in spirit.

Letters To My BFF -Part 6, A True Friend

Dearest Friend.

Thursday 23rd October 2014.

Today is one of those days I look back on our friendship. Trying to remember everything is hard. 

I read through all the letters in my Facebook inbox last night, starting from September 2007 till February 18th 2013.

I am glad I kept these messages. We said many things in there. 

You'll be glad I saved this. I have something you need to see.. Shhh!!!

Well, All is well today.. Saturday, 25th October 2014.

Not much I can say. Your absence is felt. But I know things will turn out for the better... 

Remember back in September 2008, your Niece was born, and you sent me pics... I remember how proud you were of her and your sister... Your baby sister was finally a mommy... I was happy for all of you... It was not much to go on about for me, as I was always trying to get away since June / July to come see you. Tess and I had a wedding to go to... Another close friend of mine was getting married, plus you were involved with Rick at the time. 

Remember the big dog he bought you.. His name, Gadoof was it? another name that eludes me.. 

You made up such weird and funny names for your pets.... 

I'm finding today hard to remember a lot of things during this time. It was mostly my time with my family, so we spend little time together....

Remember once I came to visit you at Rick's house, while he was at work and Sam was at work. It happened to be my day off and I just needed company. In fact we both needed to catch up, and have some coffee...

Actually I remember once when Sam and I were visiting and you made us each a cup of coffee in the kitchen.. Lol. it was the day you taught me a small lesson.. 

When making coffee, always put the sugar in the cup first before the coffee, as other wise, you will end up messing the sugar with coffee from the spoon. 

You were very particular and tidy those days. Kept a good clean house, You had a fish tank at some stage and once you even watched fish give birth to new fish in there... Not that the environment was very ideal for breeding, yet you made sure it would be. 

I was living in Kloof at the time, when I came to visit.. I won't forget that day. We were really sharing good company and making the most of it. 

2008 and 2009 were pretty much a blur, yet we spent many times speaking to each other... 

It was during this time that your new boyfriend (Web) had ordered that you never have any male friends again. that then I wrote this letter to you... 

"This is a very sad day indeed. (Crying face smile emoticon *teary eyes*) 

I understand. I am sorry to hear that your boyfriend is so insecure and has issues.

You know me. I will not back down and will never stop being your friend, regardless of this issue. I had a bad feeling from day one. and I should have said something.  You have the freedom to choose who you see, want to be friends with and so on. I know if I was your dad / mom, I would not approve of your situation. This is like slavery. If you are not working then this is one of the reasons why you still do not have a job. I am very sorry that this has come to this. Your friendship means the world to me and If his insecurities cause him to lay a hand on you... and I come to hear of it, he will have me to deal with. I will not stand for it.

Charity, you deserve better.

I will then respect his wishes, until such time that you need out, and I will keep sending you small emails of cheer, and laughter, with an sms or two just to say hi. (so that you know that I'm thinking of you) but if you need me, I am just a call away.

P.s. I will suggest keeping my no somewhere safe, cause if he is screening your messages then there is something seriously wrong.

I will send it along on every so often in your email at sniffles or if you have changed that. please send it to me. We need to help if you need it. Understand my concern, Remember, I am psychically connected to you. I dream of incidents concerning you now, I will get upset."

Remember this letter? Well. It stayed with me for years... 

Actually, this is the very same letter I remember you telling me you read over again a few years later back in 2012. Well, It means a lot that you kept it to. 

Fred <3

  

Letters To My BFF - Part 5, A Dog Named Pika

Dear Friend..

2006, Your separation was hard on you, yet you were tough, although you never told anyone... 

I must be honest, I am extremely sorry that during my marriage to Sam, I could not be there for you as I had first promised. 

2007 saw the end of another relationship. Your dog Pika had died. Remember him? It was a heart attack? I remember how adorable he was. I still remember how much you had loved him. He was lovable in all ways, and I still remember having him sit with me on many occasions. 

This was also the year in which you had discovered you had epilepsy, The year was all about self discovery, yet you spend lots of time enjoying your freedom. Which I'm sad to say I was never a part of while I had been married and had my own life to live. I had become settled in my own routine. Yet at the same time I was unsettled with so many questions in my mind.. You, Me, Us? 

Remember your cat? Wish I could remember her / his name. Lol, I say her or his, cause you had incorrectly thought she / he was a female until you took her to the vet once. 

I so remember how funny it was when we later discovered that she was a he. When Living in Jozi, you adopted him. I wasn't happy then, as I have allergies to cats. But despite this, I let it slide. he was the only kitten I got on well with... 

Oh, I still have those same speakers that Pika pissed on... actually you probably don't remember it. But I do. 

2008. Your mom had been in Canada for some time now, and even on the birth of your son, (David) she never made an effort to be there for his birth. I know this broke you terribly. It had hurt you that your mom had never given you the attention that your mom had given your sister... This kind of  thing made me sad for you. Yet you had always been very giving, loving and caring you were very naive just the same. But in the end you grew one tough shell that no one could break. 

I believe this was the year your mom returned from Canada with Gavino. 

Damn, your cat's name eludes me... Maybe one day you will tell me?

Fred <3